Many of my posts have been about AHA moments, about some realization or another that I've come to. This is not one of those. This is more about how much I don't know.
Parenthood is overwhelming. Scary even! As cliche as it sounds, it would be a hell of a lot easier if kids came with instruction manuals.....but they don't, so as parents we are left to try to figure out what's best for our kids. That's a huge task! Daunting, terrifying, ridiculous!
My family is going through some major transitions right now, and in the middle are our 3 amigos. 7, almost 5, and 2 --so young to have to deal with their parents issues, right?
One dilemma is: do we move or do we stay? Matt and I feel as though moving intown would make us happier and allow us to be more accepted. But staying where we are would allow the boys to remain near their friends, cousins, and grandparents, not to mention staying at their award winning school--all the things that would serve as a source of security during this transition!
Another decision is whether to keep our family under one roof or separate. Would it traumatize the boys more to have their parents live physically apart? Or to have us live together but lead completely separate lives?
And the big issue in our home right now is how much we should (or should not) be going out. While Matt and I have been dividing up our time on the weekends to go out with our friends, we obviously want to make sure the kids are ok! I feel like it we lived apart and had 50/50 custody, no one would question what we did while we didnt have the kids. So does it make a difference since we're still under one roof? If the parents are happy will the children automatically be happy? Or do we need to put the wants of the kids before our own?
I wish it weren't so hard to know. And I realize that there isn't a one size fits all approach......if there was, I'm sure that parenting manual would have been written long ago!
In any case, please bear with us as we try to navigate this wind-y road. I'm sure we'll royally screw up some things along the way ..... hopefully not too much. And if you have advice, please offer it! We have no clue what we're doing. I can't believe they actually let us take these babies home from the hospital--what were they thinking??
Considering that you both are so obviously concerned about your children and how they will be affected goes to show that you two are completely qualified and are great parents. I wish I had some sage advice for you but I don't. My fiance, who is the father of my six year old, and I split the year before last for a brief period. It was difficult. We split custody of our son and it was hard for him but not traumatizing. I think because even though we split we were still friends and friendly with one another. My situation with my own parents split was much different, both parents were bitter and angry. It was a messy split and it was not fun as a kid to deal with. I used to pray my parents would get back together. That only lasted a short while though. Once my parents found other significant others that made them happy, life went on. I'm so thankful they never got back together.
ReplyDeleteSo much to think about. Wow. I can't begin to tell you what to do, but I will offer this up. Never underestimate the resiliency of children. Since 2007, our family has lived in 3 different states. As a military family, we're obviously told when and where to go. We'll likely be moving again within the next 1-1/2 years. Our kids roll with it. If you think that moving in-town will make you and Matt happier, I say go for it. Happier parents = happier kids. I believe that your children will adjust. It will be a time for them to "evolve" too. New friends, new school... You will still live close enough to the grandparents and cousins to allow for weekend visits, right? So I don't think this will be a traumatic event for them. I would consider this option first before splitting up, unless you truly desire that option. I get the sense that is a last resort, however.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Heather, my parents split was nasty, hateful, and it was absolutely terrifying to us kids because they were so bitter! Being amicable is what it's all about and from everything I've read from your blogs I take it that you and Matt are both wanting the same things for your your kids and your friendship! I think it's great and even though I know some days are tougher than others I am always looking forward to a new post from you. I like that you are not sugar coating your feelings or afraid to post about the hard times which most people try to cover up. I don't know what you should do and what may seem right today may very well bite you in the butt tomorrow, but my thought is why split up the family when you two do still care about each other and want the sane for the boys. Who cares if you are leading completely separate lives? All the kids really care about is the attention they receive themselves not, "did mommy and daddy talk to each other today?" What better to have both mommy and daddy come home to them at night to say goodnight? I say let it fall where it may, dont make any sudden adjustments..... What's the rush?
ReplyDeleteSarah, my boys were quite a bit older than yours when their dad and I split up; but I think one reason they weathered things so well is that NOTHING ELSE changed at that time. Same school, same house, same neighborhood, same church, same routines. And frankly that made it easier for me, too. A year later Daniel went to live with his dad, a year after that he went to college and David & I moved to a new house ... a couple years later I changed jobs ... so things changed, but only one major thing at a time. I'm with Holly; take your time and make your decisions when the "right" thinigs to do have emerged. So much else is changing for you and Matt right now, a decision you make today might not fit the reality that's going to emerge next week.
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