Finding a balance

Many of my posts have been about AHA moments, about some realization or another that I've come to. This is not one of those. This is more about how much I don't know.
Parenthood is overwhelming. Scary even! As cliche as it sounds, it would be a hell of a lot easier if kids came with instruction manuals.....but they don't, so as parents we are left to try to figure out what's best for our kids. That's a huge task! Daunting, terrifying, ridiculous!
My family is going through some major transitions right now, and in the middle are our 3 amigos. 7, almost 5, and 2 --so young to have to deal with their parents issues, right?
One dilemma is: do we move or do we stay? Matt and I feel as though moving intown would make us happier and allow us to be more accepted. But staying where we are would allow the boys to remain near their friends, cousins, and grandparents, not to mention staying at their award winning school--all the things that would serve as a source of security during this transition!
Another decision is whether to keep our family under one roof or separate. Would it traumatize the boys more to have their parents live physically apart? Or to have us live together but lead completely separate lives?
And the big issue in our home right now is how much we should (or should not) be going out. While Matt and I have been dividing up our time on the weekends to go out with our friends, we obviously want to make sure the kids are ok! I feel like it we lived apart and had 50/50 custody, no one would question what we did while we didnt have the kids. So does it make a difference since we're still under one roof? If the parents are happy will the children automatically be happy? Or do we need to put the wants of the kids before our own?
I wish it weren't so hard to know. And I realize that there isn't a one size fits all approach......if there was, I'm sure that parenting manual would have been written long ago!
In any case, please bear with us as we try to navigate this wind-y road. I'm sure we'll royally screw up some things along the way ..... hopefully not too much. And if you have advice, please offer it! We have no clue what we're doing. I can't believe they actually let us take these babies home from the hospital--what were they thinking??

Shades of Gray (The Kinsey Scale)

I've had an idea to write about the Kinsey Scale for several weeks now. #1, it's fascinating.....#2, I've talked about it with several friends and promised them I'd blog about it....and #3, many more friends have said they were unfamiliar with it. Allow me to shed some light. 

From Wikipedia: "The Kinsey scale, also called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale,^[1] attempts to describe a person's sexual history or episodes of his or her sexual activity at a given time. It uses a scale from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. In both the Male and Female volumes of the Kinsey Reports, an additional grade, listed as "X", was used for asexuality.^[2][3] It was first published in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) by Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy and others, and was also prominent in the complementary work Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953). Numbers between 1 and 5 indicate bisexuality."

The first time I heard about this spectrum, I thought "DUH!". Sexuality is definitely not a black and white issue. This scale makes perfect sense; the the cool thing about it is the fluidity of it -- because it's supposed to describe someone's sexuality at any given time. It allows for change! 

So, here it is, the infamous Kinsey Scale :)

And here is a description of what the numbers mean:

Rating	Description
0	Exclusively heterosexual
1	Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2	Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3	Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4	Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5	Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6	Exclusively homosexual

My opinion is that most people assume that people are usually either a 0 or a 6. Heterosexual or homosexual. I believe that there are some people who truly are always at the ends of the spectrum. BUT -- I  also believe that there are many, many more people who fall into the 1-5 range. Which, according to Dr Kinsey is considered to be the bisexual range. I'm perfectly comfortable with that description, but I know many of you won't be.

I challenge all of you to look at the scale, all the shades of gray, and be truthful with yourself about where you fall on the spectrum (psst....it's OK, I won't ask you to share your number). And even if you consider yourself ONLY at one end or the other, I challenge you to understand that not everyone is. 

So where am I? Usually a 2 or 3. There are people that can tip my scale though, for sure. If I were in the presence of George Clooney, I'd damn near be a 0! Madonna on the other hand? ;) 

Labels

Why do we place such importance on labels?

I never minded labels in the past. I admit that I can be somewhat of a left-brained person at times -- analytical, logical, systematic. Labels were just adjectives, ways to organize and categorize everything (and everyone) into neat little groups. 

Simple, right?

Wrong.

Humans are not inanimate objects. We are fluid! We change and evolve. Labeling ourselves boxes us in. Limits us. Can make us feel stuck in a place we won't necessarily want to be forever. A label may cause someone to be stunted, to not reach their full potential, to live a lifestyle they don't feel comfortable in. 

I have mixed race friends who struggle with what ethnicity to bubble in on forms. A friend who agrees with some democratic and some republican platforms, yet feels pressured to "choose" one party over another. (And on a lighter note, do you know the anxiety I have experienced when asked my hair color?? Do I still say "blonde" despite what age and dye have done to it?)

So, what about sexuality?

I remember, as a kid, thinking that a person was going to be gay or straight depending upon who they fell in love with first. Simplistic juvenile thinking? Perhaps. But maybe there is some truth to it.........scratch that....maybe there should be some truth to it. (Or, who knows, maybe I've always been a Kinsey 3...)

And yet in our society, people are forced to choose a label. Straight, gay, or bisexual usually. 

But sexuality isn't a black and white issue! There is a whole spectrum -- google the Kinsey scale. But still there is pressure to choose, to decide which route we're going to take in this life. And I never questioned it until recently. 

With the recent events in my marriage, I struggled to cling to labels. I needed to classify myself, my husband, our marriage.......things were suddenly not black and white or organized in a neat little package. 

Matt had the epiphany before I did. Why, he asked me, do we need to label ourselves as one thing or another? And my only answer was because other people are going to label us.  

Wow. Did that really come out of my mouth?

My revelation came a few days later. A friend was asking about our "back togetherness" and what it meant, exactly. And I tried to explain, and got suddenly defensive feeling I had to justify our motives and actions. The truth of it is that we love each other and always have. We're best friends and want to be together. I am willing to accept Matt whether he is gay, straight, bisexual or other; and he will accept me and my hetero/bendy/bisexual feelings. He is the same Matt I fell in love with. Why was I so demanding that he choose a label? 

People vary day to day in their feelings -- happy, angry, sad, excited.....and I think many people vary in their sexuality too! There may be some people who are 100% gay or 100% straight, but for most of us I don't think there is a constant. 

So, we aren't going to label ourselves. We are who we are, and we're comfortable with it. We're going to remain married. We're going to take each day as it comes. We're going to love unconditionally and respect each other's feelings. And we're going to allow each other room to grow and explore. 

We want the boys to grow up without the confines of sexuality labels. I want to tell them that they may fall in love with girls or boys and have that seem perfectly normal to them. I don't want them to have "the traditional nuclear family" as a standard to live up to. 

I don't expect all of you to understand this. The world can be very black and white, and sometimes it's hard to see all the different shades of gray. But I can ask you not to judge -- our family, or anyone else's. Everyone is on their own journey through this life; and after all:  life is about self-discovering and hopefully even evolving. 

Peace.

the evolution of a blog

I am changing my blog. 

I still want to write.

But, things have changed in our family since the first post and Matt has respectfully asked me to delete old posts and to write about me, not him. 

He is having a hard time, struggling with what he wants versus what he thought he wanted.

I hurt watching him hurt. 

There are so many things I have wanted to blog about. 

However, even for someone who doesn't usually use a filter, there are things that become too personal to broadcast, especially when it affects someone I love. 

So be on the lookout for new posts from me. 

But I will give you fair warning: I'm a hot mess. A little crazy. And a lot passionate. 

I can be dramatic and sarcastic.

I promise not to bore you.

This is me, uncensored as ever. :)

The Truth (or, "if you didn't know, now you do")

Matt is gay. Which I guess would be truth #1.

Truth #2: I'm OK. No really, I am. Many of you seem surprised by this, and it's not hard to see where you're coming from in your concern. But I have support! And I had suspected, and I am the one who confronted him -- so I wasn't blindsighted by the news. I'm not heartbroken, I'm not resentful or angry, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

Truth #3: Mostly, things aren't going to change. At least in the short term. True, our relationship is now platonic. But we have decided to remain together in the same house; we are not doing anything legal (like divorce) right now. We are still, and have always been, best friends! There is no one on Earth I trust more than Matt. Besides the boys, I love him more than anyone. We don't see any reason why we should not continue to live together. We enjoy each other's company and we don't want the boys to have to go between houses if its not necessary.

Truth #4: The boys. Oh, the boys. :) Liam is too little to understand. Lucas says he doesn't care (could he be any more laid back??). Noah is the one we're worried about; he's the one we're always worried about. Noah is going to school in Gwinnett County. He has already heard "gay is bad" so many times, either on the school bus or from other kids. Long before Matt came out, he was coming home spouting this stuff off. Of course we corrected him, maybe too much. So we've told him, casually. He took it badly, like we knew he would. He stomped off and said he didn't want to live here anymore. :( And then woke up fine the next morning, and is OK when we don't mention it outright. We have a counseling session set up in 2 weeks (initially for other reasons) but at this point we hope she can help us talk this through with him.

Truth #5: Gi is fine with things, too. Our wonderful amazing Gi! I knew she had to be the first one we told, but I was so nervous -- would she want to go to another family? Would she stay out of obligation but feel awkward? But she swears she's fine with it; I think most other countries are perhaps not as uptight as America. ;)

Truth #6: Everyone has been curious about whether we are going to start dating. Of course we will......at some point. I'm not ready right now; with school and the boys, there is just a lot on my plate and dating is not something I want to add to the mix! I think Matt thought he wanted to, but has since changed his mind. He doesn't want to move too quickly. And please give us some credit -- we won't be introducing every date to the kids.

Truth #7, because I told Matt I'd come clean too: I am bisexual,kinda "bendy" (thanks TP for coining that term). I love men but have been attracted to some women too. I'm equal opportunity! Matt has asked me to please only date women (he was kidding....I think). I have never had a relationship with a woman, just sort of drunken kisses back in college....and I could see myself dating either gender now. I am just putting it out there so Matt wouldn't feel like he was the only one opening up.

Truth #8: branching off #7 -- I may as well not write at all if I can't be open. So if TMI makes you squeamish, I'm warning you now that I don't censor or filter. ;)

Truth #9: Matt is OK with me writing this. Yes, I'm sure; I've asked him about 49803749 times.

and finally, Truth #10: You don't understand it? What we're doing? No worries, neither do we! We're just taking it one day at a time, but we don't know what the hell we're doing most of the time!


I am writing this blog so that I have an outlet. I'm writing it to keep our family and friends in the loop as we embark on this journey. I am writing it because when all this came about, I scoured the internet trying to find information, and there wasn't a whole lot out there. At least not too many people that seemed to be going through what we were. So, I'm hoping this blog finds someone out there who is dealing with the same kind of stuff, and can be the hope they need to know they aren't alone. But mainly I'm writing it for my kids......my 3 amazing boys. Most days they drive me to the brink of insanity, but I want them to know, from the start, that I don't regret any of this, because I got them out of it. And although we may warp them and they may have years of therapy ahead of them in adulthood, I want them to be able to look back and know that we tried our hardest to do the best things. I want them to know how much their dad and I love each other; how much we genuinely love each other..........and how unspeakably crazy in love with them we are, too. (And also that I hope they just need the normal amount of therapy, nothing excessive.......).

Peace,
Sarah

P.S. Matt asked me to add his comment, which some of you have seen on facebook:  This is Matt (the other half of this blog)and I am Gay. This is not a joke on Sarah's part. I feel so relieved to let the truth out and so thankful that this amazing woman was brought into my life. She accepted me when she and others had questioned my sexuality. She became my best friend and partner in crime. We have had the most amazing life so far and I cannot wait to continue this journey with her. 
I have always known I was gay but let society dictate to my brain what I thought a good little boy should do. I was raised a polite and caring southern boy. I, like other men suppressed these fantasies/curiosities that filled my brain about men. I did not want to disappoint my family and friends. I did not want to be a social outcast. I just wanted to love and be loved. Then, I found Sarah and my whole world changed. 
Sarah was amazing! She was so kind and accepting of everyone. We had the best times in college. We had the best adventures after college. I did not want it to stop and I had fallen in love with her. 
Most of our friends know the story but I will share for those of you who do not. I had decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life wit her and took our first trip to New York City. Everything was perfect and we were having great times. One morning we went down fifth Avenue and had our own breakfast at Tiffany's! I had bought her the classic Tiffany diamond engagement ring. We strolled into central park and I proposed. She happily excepted. We were married and had 3 wonderful boys! I have been the happiest ever in my life. I always wanted to be a dad. We struggle like most parents to provide the best for our kids. We always do it with team work. That is the key to our successful relationship and will always be. 
Sarah confronted me with the "elephant" in the room to which I had to tell her the truth because I had never lied to her, except for this. I was relieved and so was she because now she new the passion was not there because I desired the opposite sex. She knows she is beautiful, because I tell her, She knows she is sexy, because I tell her. She knows what a great mom and friend she is, because we all tell her. 
I am so proud of her for this blog and could not have said it any better.
We are great and face challenges just like everyone else. We will get through this like everyone else because we will continue to love and support each other. We will also get though this with the love and support from our wonderful friends and family. We LOVE you all. So, life goes on and I will go with it happy and excited about what the future will bring for us all. Thank You for taking the time to read this and I hope it is insightful. More to come.